I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
