so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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