i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
