thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
