Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
