I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
