I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
