come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I am available for nakedness
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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