u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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