u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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