shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
