i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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