mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
