i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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