I could make wine with my vomit
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
