oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
