i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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