I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
