All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
