You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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