come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
