Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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