just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
