you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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