You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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