It's like God shit irony all over that family
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
