Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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