"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
