Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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