dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
