My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
