you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
