We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
