I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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