She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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