Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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