She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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