i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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