just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
