My first STD was from a foam party
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
