yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
