just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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