and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My vagina is officially offended.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
