smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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