She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
