you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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