I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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