is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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