hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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