Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
