Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
