Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
