mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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