At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
