apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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