I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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