I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
